


Joel, Broken

by CatrionaMac



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen, Prequel, joel's ex-wife, life before CBI, prepare for weeping, sarah's life, why do i do this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-03-04
Packaged: 2018-01-14 13:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1268497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatrionaMac/pseuds/CatrionaMac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seems like things break all at once, but sometimes the fractures are there from the beginning. Sarah's life, in reverse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Joel, Broken

“Sarah?” He crawled over the rocky ground to get to her.

There was so much blood.

“Move your hands, baby.” She cried out in pain and clutched at his neck. “I know, baby, I know. God…” He pressed his hands into the wound on her stomach.

“Listen to me, I know this hurts, but you’re gonna be okay, baby, stay with me.” Her eyes were open but they were filled with pain and weren’t focusing on him at all.

“All right, I’m gonna pick you up.” He lifted her up to his chest, and she fought him because he was hurting her more. “I know, baby, I know it hurts. Come on, baby, please. I know, baby, I know.” He looked up at Tommy, who was standing there helplessly.

She stopped crying.

“Sarah.” He looked down at her again, but her eyes were wide and staring and she wasn’t moving. “Baby?”

She didn’t move. _She didn’t move_.

“Don’t do this to me, baby. Don’t do this to me, baby. Come on.” He rocked her in his arms, like he did when she was an infant.

With a tearing in his chest, Joel knew she was gone. He held her small body and cried while his entire world came to pieces around him.

***

“Just one level of Lego Star Wars first, Daddy, pleeeeease?”

Joel shot a glance over across the cab of the pickup, where Sarah clutched the orange-and-white paper bags they’d just picked up from Whataburger.

He smiled. Only eight years old, and she was already a master negotiator. “Absolutely not. You’re so dirty I can’t even tell there’s a kid under there. What did you do, step in every puddle you could find?” They were driving home from a day hike at the McKinney Roughs, and though it was mid-June, it had been an unusually wet summer and the trail had been sloppy with mud.

“Mud is fun, Dad. C’mon…” she wheedled, “I’ll let you play Darth Vader.”

“Oh, well, when you put it that way...NO. Food first, then shower, and then, if you’re really good, Lego Star Wars.”

She pouted.

“I know, I’m the worst.” She had started saying that to him, when he didn’t let her get her way: _Daddy, you’re the worst._ She must have picked it up from one of her friends at school. The first time had hurt. By the thirtieth time, it just rolled off his back.

“Gimme one of those french fries.”

Sarah fished in the paper bag and dug out a hot french fry, holding it up to Joel’s mouth while he drove. Joel growled and snapped at her hand, gently biting the fingers holding the fry, just to hear her shriek and giggle. “Ewwww, gross, Dad!” He grinned and munched the french fry.

When he pulled into the driveway of their house he still felt a little thrill of pride that he owned it. They had moved into the big two-story east of Austin just a few months ago, and buying it had felt like a rite of passage into adulthood, even more than becoming a father had. So what if it was in the direct flight path of the airport, and if the wind blew just right they could sometimes smell the sewage treatment plant from a few miles away. It was theirs.

He stopped in his tracks when he saw the brown cardboard box on their front porch, relief mixed with resignation. Looked like Kristy had finally sent Sarah’s birthday present. Well, at least she was only three weeks late this year.

He turned to Sarah and collected the Whataburger bags, saying, “I think the post office finally found that present from your mom. Why don’t you bring it inside.”

“Okay.” She picked up the box while Joel unlocked their front door, and he cringed inwardly at the mixture of excitement and reluctance in her voice. Kristy’s last few gifts hadn’t exactly been big hits. Joel didn’t know why his ex-wife didn’t just let her parents do the gift buying for Sarah, but no, she had to send special weird European toys and clothes direct from Paris.

Sarah was quiet as she carried the box inside, and Joel didn’t say anything when she forgot to wipe her feet on the front mat and tracked clods of mud into the front hallway, even though he knew he’d be the one cleaning it up after she went to bed.

But he did say, “Shoes,” before she could wander onto the carpet.

Sarah set the box down and kicked off her mud-encrusted tennis shoes, then carried it over to the dining room table. She worried at the tape for a few seconds, and then said, “Daddy? Can you cut it?”

Joel pulled his pocketknife out and slit the packing tape open, then pushed the box back over to Sarah.

The first layer was crumpled-up newspaper. “It’s all in French, Daddy, that’s pretty cool,” Sarah said.

“Mmm hmm,” Joel agreed.

The next thing Sarah pulled out of the box was a pair of fragile pink and gold fairy wings. “Well, that’s…” she trailed off.

 _God damn it, Kristy,_ Joel thought. No matter how many emails he sent her, no matter how many times he told her, she would not accept the fact that their daughter was not interested in pink, glitter, princesses, or fairies. Every damn present, every damn time, there was some kind of princess crap that Sarah would never look at again. The way Sarah was trying not to let her face fall tore at Joel’s heart. A pair of pink fairy wings. When all Sarah had asked for this year was a damn _skateboard_.

“Hey, there’s something else in here!” The excitement was back in her voice.

 _Come on, Kristy. Get something right,_ Joel thought.

“Oh.” He couldn’t see what was in the box, but he saw the way Sarah’s face crumpled, getting smaller and smaller until she said “I’m gonna go take a shower, Dad.” She walked upstairs like someone in a daze, her hurt evident in every movement. Joel didn’t bother reminding her about her food. He wasn’t much in the mood for eating now either.

After she left the room, he looked into the box, and his jaw clenched with anger. It was a bear. A soft little black teddy bear, wearing a silly red beret. It was, in fact, the exact same teddy bear Kristy had brought Sarah back from France when she was three. Sarah had named the first one Monsieur Bear, and he still had pride of place in the center of her bed.

After a few minutes, when Joel realized he hadn’t heard the water turn on, he sighed and grabbed the stupid bear. He trudged up to Sarah’s room to find her sitting on the messy floor, holding Monsieur Bear. He eyes were brimming with tears.

She looked up when she heard Joel at the door and said, with a vehemence that surprised him, “I _hate_ her, Daddy.”

“Now, Sarah,” Joel said wearily. “You shouldn’t talk like that about your mom. You don’t hate her.”

“I _do_! She doesn’t know anything about me!” She started to cry.

Joel sat down and put his arms around her. He found himself wishing that Kristy would just stop sending anything, because getting nothing at all would be better than this recurring disappointment.

What could he tell her? That Kristy was trying? Even at her age, Sarah would know that was a lie. He looked down at the damn teddy bear, and thought, _Why not?_ “Hey, baby girl, I got an idea. My next day off, Uncle Tommy and I will teach you how to shoot a BB gun. And I got a good idea about what to use for target practice.” He held the new teddy bear up in front of Sarah’s face.

It worked. She laughed.

“Sound good?”

“Yeah.” She’d stopped crying, and was just sniffling into his shirt now. “Can we shoot those dumb fairy wings, too?”

“If you want.”

“Can I play Lego Star Wars now?”

Joel caved. He laughed and said, “Fine. All right. But only ONE level.”

***

Joel let the heavy manila envelope fall from his fingers onto the bed. He didn’t need to open it; the return address of Kristy’s lawyer told him everything he needed to know about what was inside. He was standing between the bed and the wall—the king-sized bed he’d bought for the two of them because she complained that the old queen-sized bed was too small—and he pressed himself hard against the wall because he was afraid if he didn’t he might fall down. Then he turned and put his fist right through the drywall. _Ow. That fucking hurt._ Cradling his hand, he took a deep breath, and another, but it didn’t help; he felt his chest hitch with one sob, and then another, and then he was sliding down the wall, wedging himself between it and the bed and burying his face in his knees, because maybe that way he wouldn’t wake Sarah up while he felt his entire world unraveling around him.

He just had to sign the papers in that envelope and send them back to the lawyer, and they’d be divorced. And Kristy would be free to marry that poet she’d met in Paris, and she’d visit Sarah every six months, or at least once a year, and Joel would be alone. Totally alone.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Sarah standing there, her wispy blonde hair tangled around her face and her eyes wide and serious.

“Hey, baby girl, what are you doing out of bed?” Joel wiped his eyes on his t-shirt and tried to get himself together so Sarah wouldn’t be scared.

The four-year-old girl put her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. “It’s okay, Daddy. It’s okay.”

Joel gathered his daughter to his chest and held her tight. Not alone.

***

“Bye, baby girl. Be good for Meemaw. Gimme one more kiss.” Joel hugged Sarah and held out his cheek to her, and she gave it a messy smack before he handed her over to his mother-in-law.

“Bye, Daddy.” She tucked her head into Arlene’s shoulder, already tired from her big day at the San Antonio Zoo and the long drives to and from Austin, even though it was still a couple hours before the three-year-old’s usual bedtime.

“Come on, sweetheart,” Arlene said. “It’s been a long time since Mommy and Daddy have had a chance to be alone together. We’re gonna go back to Meemaw and Peepaw’s and watch _The Little Mermaid_ , okay?”

Sarah nodded and stuck her thumb in her mouth. _She won’t last past the first fifteen minutes,_ Joel thought fondly. _She may not even make it to their house._

“Thanks, Arlene. No ice cream, okay?” He smiled at Sarah, his heart going all pink and fuzzy the way it always did when he looked at her.

“Christ, Joel, what does it matter?” Kristy’s voice was tight, and he glanced at her in surprise. She’d been tense and quiet all day, which didn’t exactly bode well for his plans for the rest of the evening.

Arlene put Sarah down and gave her daughter a sharp look, but then she smiled back at Joel. “We’ll be fine, Joel. Last thing I need is to get her even more sugared up after that cotton candy she had at the zoo.”

“Okay.” He gave Sarah’s shoulder one last squeeze and said, “Why don’t you give Mommy a kiss goodbye, too?”

Sarah looked at Kristy and shook her head, her thumb still firmly plugged between her lips.

Joel grinned nervously. “She’s still feelin’ a little shy around you, I guess.”

Kristy’s smile was brittle. “Sarah, honey, what did Mommy tell you about sucking your thumb?”

Sarah’s thumb popped out of her mouth, and she frowned. “Only babies suck their thumbs.”

“And are you still a baby?”

Sarah’s lip wobbled. “No. I’m three. I’m not a baby.”

“Okay, then,” Kristy said in a satisfied voice, like she’d won some kind of victory. Sarah was on the verge of tears.

Joel shook his head in disbelief. “Kristy, I don’t think…”

He cut himself off abruptly when Sarah said, “Daddy, I don’t wanna leave you.” Her little mouth twisted into a gaping frown and her face screwed up into a rictus of heartbreaking pain as she drew in a huge breath for the first shriek of what looked like a first class meltdown. Joel picked her up again and let her smother her sobs in his shoulder.

“Just give me a minute with her,” he said apologetically to Arlene. He didn’t miss Kristy rolling her eyes; she’d already made it clear in the last day and a half that she disapproved of the way Joel dealt with Sarah. Just one more thing they would have to work out, now that she was done with her fellowship and heading back home. He carried Sarah into her bedroom and sat down on the edge of the twin bed he’d just bought for her.

He held her and rubbed her shaking back until her sobs subsided into little hiccuping sighs, and then he said, “Sarah, honey, I know you don’t want to go, but could you do it for me? I don’t want to make Meemaw sad, and she was really lookin’ forward to watchin’ that movie with you.”

Sarah frowned up at him, unsure whether to keep crying or agree with him. He knew she really did want to see the movie even though it was probably her five-hundredth viewing. “I tell you what,” he said, “I don’t think Monsieur Bear has seen that movie yet.” He picked up the fancy French teddy bear that Kristy had brought back with her from Paris and held it out in front of Sarah. “I think this might be a good chance for you two to get to know each other.”

Sarah loved that bear. She looked up at him suspiciously, then she took the bear and hugged it. “Okay. I can teach him the songs in English.”

“I bet he’d like that. You ready now?” She nodded, and Joel led her back out to the front hallway by the hand. He saw Kristy’s eyes tighten when she saw Sarah carrying the expensive bear, but she didn’t say anything.

“You ready now, sugar?” Arlene said. “And who’s your new friend?”

“His name is Monsieur Bear. He’s French,” Sarah said, her tears forgotten. “He’s never seen _The Little Mermaid_.”

“Well, he’s in for a big treat, isn’t he?” Arlene smiled down at Sarah, and then said, “Good night, Joel. I’ll get her back to you tomorrow afternoon.”

“Not too early,” Joel joked. “I haven’t seen my wife in almost four months, after all.”

Arlene’s eyes darted to Kristy, and her smile faded. The new smile she turned on Joel was almost...pitying? “Of course. Well...we’ll see you tomorrow.”

And as the door closed behind them, Joel knew what was coming, had known it was coming all along, even before he heard Kristy say, “Joel, we need to talk.”

***

“A year?”

“Shh, you’ll wake Sarah up,” Kristy said.

Joel glanced over at the baby monitor, but it was quiet. “Sorry. I just...I thought you were gonna transfer to UT, and now you’re talking about going to France for a year, it’s a lot to take in.” He scratched at his beard. It was new, and he still wasn’t used to it, but he liked the way it made him look older.

“I know, Joel, but do you have any idea what an opportunity this fellowship is for me?” She was sitting on the bed in her nightgown, calmly rubbing lotion into her hands.

“Kristy, I miss you,” Joel said his voice pleading. “We miss you. Sarah's already two, and you're missin' so much..."

She took his face in her hands. “I know, baby. I know. I miss you too.” She gave him a lingering kiss that made his stomach flutter wildly. “But this is a once-in-a-lifetime kinda thing. And if we’re careful with the money, I can come home and visit you a couple times at least. Or you can bring Sarah out to Paris.”

Joel laughed. “Me? In France?” He looked down at his hands, which were scarred and callused from the construction work he’d been doing. “I don’t think so.”

“Come on, Joel. It’ll be fun.” She kissed him again, and said, “Mmm. That beard…” she gave him a considering look. “I don’t know. I think I like it. It makes you look kinda...dangerous.”

She smile she gave him made him forget Paris, Sarah, and his own mother’s name.

"Tommy's spendin' the night at a friend's house," he said, in a thick voice.

She gave him another one of those smiles. "Then we just have to make sure we don't wake the baby."

They fell onto the bed together, and Joel concentrated on kissing his wife. They were quiet enough that Sarah didn’t wake up all night, although she was the only one in the apartment who got a wink of sleep.

***

Joel swore he’d only turned his back for thirty seconds, but it had been enough time for Sarah to make an impossible grab from her highchair to where Kristy’s welcome back cake sat on the counter. When he turned back around, half of the cake was on the floor, and half of it was smeared all over Sarah’s chubby face, her wispy baby hair, and the new pink dress Joel had bought just yesterday at WalMart.

“Sarah!” He said it too loudly, too sharply, and her lips, which were curved into a happy smile of sugary greed, made an O of surprise before twisting into a frightened cry. It pierced Joel to the heart to hear his daughter make that sound and know he was responsible for it.

He picked her up out of the highchair, cake and all, and hugged her to his chest, speaking in a soothing voice. “Sorry, baby girl. I’m sorry I scared you. We’ll just have to get you all cleaned up again before Mommy gets here. She misses you so much.”

Sarah was only eighteen months old, and the year that Kristy had been gone, her freshman year of college at Boston University, had been hard for all of them. Now halfway into her second year, aside from Christmas break, Kristy hadn’t been able to afford to come home at all, and Joel was struggling just to pay the rent and keep Sarah in diapers and formula.

"Tommy!" Joel called.

His thirteen-year-old brother slouched into the room and then laughed. "Holy shit, Joel! What the fuck happened?"

"Sarah happened. And could you try not to swear around the baby? Here," he handed Sarah over to Tommy, "keep her occupied for me while I clean up this mess."

Tommy affably hoisted Sarah onto his skinny hip. "Did you make this mess, sweet pea? Did you? You messy little thing, you."

Sarah laughed at the funny voice Tommy was making, and fisted her chubby baby fingers in Tommy's hair. "Aw, dang it! Now I got cake in my hair too. I'm a cake monster!" He held her up in the air and pretended to bite her stomach, growling loudly. "I'm gonna eat you up!"

Joel grinned from where he knelt on the floor. Sarah was shrieking with laughter, and it was just about the best sound he'd ever heard. He finished wiping the cake up and took Sarah back from Tommy.

"Thanks, little brother. Y'know, you're good with her."

"It's okay," Tommy said, embarrassed. He'd been living with Joel and Sarah for the past few months, since their father had passed and Joel became his legal guardian. So far, the arrangement was actually working out pretty well, but things would have to change when Kristy transferred to UT and moved back in. He'd have to start looking for a bigger place, he realized.

Even stranger, he was looking forward to it. His old man had been a shitty father, and he and Tommy had spent most of their time in that house just trying not to enrage him when he was drunk. But now, he and Kristy and Sarah and Tommy, they'd be a real family, just as soon as Kristy could finish her second year at BU and transfer to the University of Texas.

Sarah fussed so much when he tried to put her in another dress that he gave up and just dressed her in her favorite pair of purple leggings and a Kermit the Frog t-shirt.

"Kimmit fwog!" she said when she saw the shirt.

"That's right, baby girl, Kermit. What sound does a frog make?" Joel played the animal sound game with her a lot while he dressed and diapered her, because it kept both of them amused.

"Wibbit!"

"Ribbit! Yep. What sound does a kitty make?"

"Mouw!" She pitched her voice high, making a meowing sound.

Joel laughed. "Yes, a kitty goes meow."

Tommy chimed in from the doorway, "Hey Sarah, what sound does a donkey make?"

She frowned at her uncle, and he said, "Come on, remember? A donkey says hee haw?"

"Eee aww!" Sarah crowed, then giggled.

"I think she likes that one, Tommy," Joel laughed.

Tommy grinned, and said, "What sound does a zombie make?"

"Bwains!" she said promptly.

Tommy cracked up. Joel rolled his eyes and said, "Great, thanks a lot."

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Joel picked Sarah up and settled her onto his hip, saying, "I think that must be Mommy!"

When he opened the door, Kristy was there with her parents, Arlene and Will, who had picked her up at the airport. Kristy looked...different. She'd cut her long blonde hair into a short pixie cut, and she was wearing all black, and minimal makeup. She looked glamorous and cosmopolitan, and Joel was suddenly acutely aware of his faded jeans and the gray t-shirt that was still smeared with cake. And then she smiled that familiar thousand-watt smile, and everything was normal again.

"Joel!" Kristy threw her arms around him and Sarah and kissed him. "And Sarah, baby, I missed you so much!" She pulled Sarah out of Joel's arms and into a tight embrace.

Sarah looked confused, and then she started to cry.

"Oh, no... " Kristy bounced Sarah up and down in her arms, but she just cried harder. Finally, Joel took her back, and Sarah hid her face in his neck.

"Sarah, sweetheart, that's Mama. You know?" He looked at Kristy, who stood there in mute distress. "Sorry, we look at your picture every night, but your hair looks so different..."

Kristy's hand went to her short hair. "I didn't even think..."

"She'll be fine in a second. Sarah," he said, "look, it's Mama. She got a haircut, just like Uncle Tommy did."

Sarah looked up. "Mama?" She reached out one chubby hand to Kristy.

Kristy took her back, holding her tight and burying her nose in Sarah's fine blonde hair. "That's right, baby. I'm your Mama." Kristy's breath hitched. "Oh, god, I missed you." Joel rubbed Kristy's back as she shook with sobs.

She raised her tearstained face to look at him. "I don't know if I can take another semester of this."

***

Sarah’s crying pierced the heavy night air, and Kristy rolled over and shook Joel’s shoulder. “My chemistry final is tomorrow. I can’t, Joel…please?”

Joe sat up groggily. “Yeah.” He stumbled into the tiny apartment’s second bedroom and picked up the squirming, squalling six-month-old. His daughter. “Okay, baby girl,” he mumbled. “C’mon. Let’s check you out, here.” He stuck his hand inside her diaper and made a face. It was soaked.

He sighed. “All right, let’s get you changed.” He laid her down on the plastic pad of the changing table and stripped the soiled diaper off her. She’d pooped too. Great. “You know,” he said conversationally, “cleanin’ up baby shit ain’t how I thought I’d spend the last semester of high school.” Only he wasn’t in high school any more, he’d dropped out and started working full time as soon as Sarah was born, but he’d insisted that Kristy finish school. And it had paid off: Kristy’s grades stayed high, and she had gotten scholarships to both Boston University and the University of Texas.

Joel finished wiping Sarah’s tiny bottom, and slathered some thick, white diaper rash cream on before putting a fresh diaper on her, nibbling on her plump toes just to make her giggle. He carefully picked up the freshly diapered infant and fitted her into the crook of his arm, and carried her into the kitchen. He searched the fridge for one of the containers of breast milk that Kristy pumped and saved in the nurse’s office while she was at school, but he couldn’t find any.

“Damn it.” He briefly considered waking Kristy up to feed Sarah, but he didn’t have the heart for it. “Looks like it’s formula this time, sweet girl,” he said to the infant in his arms.

Sarah was quiet while Joel mixed and warmed up a bottle for her, but she latched onto the rubber nipple greedily after Joel tested the temperature on his wrist and finally held it to her mouth. “Whoa. Hungry tonight, huh?”

And then the only sounds were her sucking and the little grunts of contentment she made when she swallowed.

Joel sat down on the broken old couch and held her while she ate, looking down at her tiny face in wonder. She was so perfect.

When she was finished her bottle, he lifted her to his shoulder and burped her, and then he just rubbed her back and hummed “You Are My Sunshine,” low and under his breath, until she fell asleep again, a surprisingly dense and heavy weight curled up over his heart.

***

“Joel, stop touching me! You’re like a fucking furnace. This damn bed is too small for both of us,” Kristy said.

“Sorry,” Joel said. He was about to roll off the side of the bed already, but he tried to give Kristy a few more inches. She was eight and a half months pregnant, so she was taking up more of the bed than she did when they’d gotten married and moved in together four months ago.

Beside him, her breath hissed between her teeth, putting Joel on the alert.

“What? What is it? What’s wrong?” He sat up.

Her face was scared. “I...I don’t know...it felt like…”

Joel felt a spreading wetness in the bed. He clicked the light back on, and flipped the covers back. “Is that…?”

“I think my water just broke.” Her eyes were as big as saucers.

Joel leapt out of bed. “Oh, god. Okay. We just gotta get the bag, where’s the bag? Isn’t that supposed to happen in the hospital? No, it’s fine, everything will be fine, we just gotta get you down to St. David’s…”

“Joel...” Kristy looked like she was going to cry. “Please call my mom.”

He stopped in his tracks and looked at her upturned face, pale as the moon above her enormous, distended belly, and he was struck by how fucking _young_ she looked. She was seventeen, but right now, with her long blonde hair down around her shoulders and her big, scared blue eyes, she looked about twelve.

 _This was a huge mistake,_ he thought. _We can’t do this._ His eyes went to the thin gold band around the ring finger of her left hand. _What were we thinking?_

To Kristy, he just said, “All right.” He grabbed his cell phone from the bedside table and punched in his mother-in-law’s number while she levered herself out of bed and struggled to pull the wet nightgown off over her head.

“Hi, Arlene?” he said into the phone. “Sorry to wake you. Kristy’s water just broke, and I’m taking her down...uh huh, yeah. Okay, we’ll see you there.” He ended the call, and then said, “They’re on their way. They’ll meet us at the hospital.”

The relief on Kristy’s face made Joel’s chest ache.

They made it to the hospital in under ten minutes because Joel broke every vehicle code law in the state of Texas, but once Kristy was admitted all they could do was wait. Yes, her water had broken, but she wasn’t dilated enough. Her contractions weren’t close enough together. So Kristy walked, and did her Lamaze breathing, and Joel held her hand when the contractions did come, and she ground his knuckles together but he didn’t complain because the pain she was experiencing was obviously a million times worse, and there was nothing else he could do to make that better for her.

Twenty-six hours later, she was swearing like a sailor while Joel stood on one side of her head and Arlene stood on the other side, and a doctor stood between her legs like a quarterback waiting to catch a football.

“There’s the head, Mrs. Miller. I think we just need a couple more good pushes.”

“Come on, baby, you can do it,” Joel said.

“I can’t.” Kristy was crying. “I’m too tired. Ohhhhhhh!” Another contraction wracked her body and she screamed.

“There we go,” the doctor said. There was a tense moment of silence, and then a new cry split the air. The doctor smiled, and Joel saw him hand a bloody, squirming thing to the nurse. “Good. Now, Mrs. Miller, almost done. You’ll have a few more contractions to pass the afterbirth.”

Kristy whimpered and nodded. She looked up at Joel. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine, Mrs. Miller,” the doctor smiled. He looked over at Joel. “Mr. Miller, would you like to cut the cord?”

Joel’s stomach lurched. “Uh, no. No, that’s okay.” The thought of going over to that side of the table and getting a better look at all the blood and mess made him feel a little faint.

“That’s fine,” the doctor said, snipping the umbilical cord himself. “Let us just get her weight and clean her up a little.” Arlene’s tight lips told Joel everything he needed to know about her thoughts on his decision.

“Seven pounds, twelve ounces, doctor,” the nurse said, handing the baby back to physician.

“Mrs. Miller, say hello to your daughter.” The doctor lay the tiny squirming red thing on Kristy’s chest and Joel saw Kristy’s face--exhausted, sweaty, triumphant--soften with a sweet smile.

“Hi, baby,” Kristy said. “Hi, Sarah.” She finally looked up at Joel, a grin spreading on her face. “Do you want to hold her?”

Joel swallowed, and nodded. Kristy lifted the baby up to him, and Joel gingerly fitted his hands under its head and back. Its tiny body was terrifyingly rubbery and limp, and its head was a weird shape and covered with a thick mat of dark hair. It looked like some kind of alien frog monster, not a human baby at all. Joel looked down at its red, wrinkly face and felt nothing. _Aren’t I supposed to feel something?_ he thought. He was just numb.

And then the baby’s eyes cracked open and met his, and something in his chest roared to life, and he was looking at his _daughter_ , his perfect baby daughter, with her tiny perfect fingers and toes, and he knew in that instant that he would do anything for her.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This one...is a bit of a departure for me. I've been wanting to tell story in reverse for a long time, and it seemed like an interesting way to investigate the what Joel and Sarah's life was like before the story in the game. Drop me a note and let me know if it worked!


End file.
